kurokuroatbp

In this age of computers and Internet, who writes by hand in notebooks, right? Well, for the past two nights, I have. First of all, our server at home was down for two nights in a row (@#$%^&*!). This is Cambodia, after all. And our apartment is far from the city center. If we get things like frequent power outages, what more Internet service? BTW, when I say far, I mean that we live twenty minutes away from downtown. By Phnom Penh standards, that’s like from Quezon City to Alabang already. So I had to steal office time to use the Internet… well, one of the perks when the boss is Honey.

And second and more importantly, my Mom sent me these absolutely adorable personalized notebook covers which she made herself. And after trying the Internet several times, it didn’t take me long to take out my pen and my new notebook and starting to write my diary by hand. It felt weird first. When was the last time I wrote anything on a notebook? I remembered my old childhood diaries with the key and lock to prevent my evil prying big brother from reading my private thoughts (and I say “evil” with a lot of love here now). But after getting the hang of it, the words flowed out quite smoothly. As I kept on just writing and writing last night, I remember why I was such a prolific diarist before I started owning a computer. I had notebooks and notebooks of diaries when I was in college and after (yup! it took me long before I hitched on the computer craze). Note: I said prolific diarist and not necessarily a good one. I honestly doubt if I’m an Anne Frank… which is what is good about secret diaries… I don’t care because no one would ever read them.

According to Natalie Goldberg in my second favorite book about writing, Writing Down the Bones, handwriting is more connected to the heart and if you want to pour out your emotions, it’s better to write by hand. (My favorite book about writing is Brenda Ueland’s If You Want to Write). She said that if you want to write, you have to consider your instruments. The pen is very important. It has to be a fast-writing pen which doesn’t blot, clot, or skip. At that time, my favorite pens were the Pilot V5 pens — a little bit too expensive considering my meager allowance but it lasted long and it was very smooth so it was worth it. I didn’t like expensive pens like the Cross gold or Parker thingies because they’re too heavy and tiring and I tend to lose things like that. Now, I use the free technical pens included in the kits they give away during conferences. And then, the notebook. Natalie Goldberg said that one shouldn’t write on those expensive parchment-style scrapbooks (perhaps from Ayala Museum?). If you have an expensive notebook with expensive linen paper, you’re pressured to write something great or important because you don’t want to waste the paper and you freeze with fear and not write at all. It’s better to write on cheap notebooks with lines and smooth paper so that you could write any crap you want and you wouldn’t be wasting anything. I like the Corona notebooks because the papers are so white and silky, but they’re no fun. So I tended to buy the notebooks with the tacky designs in front like Garfield or Snoopy or Richard Gomez (OMG!). Anyway, with these pretty notebook covers, I feel that I’m writing on a nice heirloomish scrapbook but I know that there’s only a cheap little notebook I can discard anytime. So I can write without pressure.

I remembered how nice it is to handwrite in a diary. It’s so convenient too. It could fit in my purse and I could write anywhere. I don’t have to worry about fonts or margins or battery life or hard disk space or (God forbid) hard disk crash or the heat on my lap. I could be bold and brave without worrying about what other people would think. With this blog, I’m always worrying… what if no one reads this? What if someone reads this? What if I reveal too much? What if I don’t reveal anything? What if I sound stupid? What if I sound like a know-it-all? Brenda Ueland said that you should give yourself permission to write the dullest and crappiest things in your diary. If you write a thousand dull and crappy things, there’s bound to be one thing that would be good… and that would be all right.

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