Sep 04 2007
How to Cook Microwave Puttanesca if You Don’t Have a Kitchen and You Don’t Know How to Cook
I wrote this recipe two years ago when we were living in a small one-bedroom apartment. We didn’t have a kitchen then and we would order our food everyday from the carinderia. Sometimes, when the tapsilog were already sticking out of our ears, we’d prepare different kinds of pasta we would get from a recipe book and convert them to microwave recipes. Here is a detailed step-by-step recipe for puttanesca from a desperate chef-wannabe who cooks with a microwave while watching teleseryes (at that time, Hiram, Kristala, and It Might Be You were the shows that were au courant). It’s dedicated to all the wives out there who don’t know how to cook.
First, prepare all the ingredients. Then, pray over them.
Boil water in the thermos.
Get the spaghetti measurer and measure spaghetti strips for four people. That would be enough for two greedy people. Put the spaghetti strips in the large pyrex bowl. Now, check if the water is boiling. Oops! Forgot to plug it in. Plug it in, then watch It Might Be You while waiting for the water to boil.
Recipe reads “score a cross in the base of each tomato… bowl of boiling water… cold water… skin away… dice…†whaaaaaat????
Go to your husband and give him a bribery massage. Lead him over to the kitchen (i.e. the second bathroom) and hand him the tomatoes, knives, etc.. if you’re smart like me, you’ve probably found a husband who would know what to do! (Note to all single women: marry a man who can cook, especially if you can’t). While he’s doing the scoring, plunging, etc., guard his legs for pesky mosquitoes (lamoks). In the meantime, wonder what diabolical scheme Dra. Frieda (the villain in It Might Be You) is up to.
Check if water has finally boiled. Cover the spaghetti in the pyrex with boiling water. Add one tablespoon olive oil and season with salt. Cook on high for 12 minutes in the microwave.
While hubby is scoring and spaghetti is cooking, prepare the garlic bread. Do the garlic bread in the living room. Tell hubby it’s because the kitchen-bathroom is too small… it is just a coincidence that you want to know how Farah will tell Laurence that she is his real mother. In the meantime, leave hubby’s legs to the mercy of the lamoks… you can make it up to him with a food massage… este foot massage! The purpose of the garlic bread is to ensure that you will not go hungry even if the puttanesca becomes a dud! Butter up the wholemeal bread for yourself (because you’re a health buff) and the white bread for hubby (because he’s smart and true to himself). Put the garlic bread inside the toaster ready for heating later.
After the microwave beeps, check if the spaghetti is ready. If you don’t know whether the spaghetti is ready or not just by looking at it, bring it over to hubby. Anyone who knows the NBA results between the Lakers and the Celtics in 1984 would know if the spaghetti is ready. If hubby says the spaghetti is al dente, it’s probably okay (from its context, you may assume that al dente is Italian for okay na rod!). However, if the spaghetti turns puffy, smirk at hubby’s evil glares and hurriedly drain the water in the strainer. Make sure that the spaghetti doesn’t fall into the sink.
Heat the olive oil (because health buffs don’t use regular cooking oil) for about 30 seconds in a smaller pyrex bowl.
To save time, read the recipe to hubby. This willl automatically make him chop the onion, garlic, capers, anchovies, and tomatoes. By this time, you can continue guarding his legs for lamoks because Hiram is now showing on TV and you don’t want Kris Aquino to spoil your puttanesca by watching the stupid show.
Add the chopped onions to the olive oil and cook for about 2 minutes in medium heat. Add the garlic and red pepper and cook for another 30 seconds. Add the capers, anchovies, and diced tomatoes, and cook for another 5 minutes in low heat. Don’t forget to ignore the instructions for the microwave power because if you need to read this, you probably don’t know the difference between medium heat and low heat.
Mix the sauce once in a while to make your cooking look authentic.
In the meantime, turn on the toaster and set the table. If all goes well, you can start eating by Krystala so that you can enjoy the food while making lait all the stupid characters.
After the sauce is cooked. Add it to the pasta and toss (tossing doesn’t entail any throwing, it just means put it together) until well combined.
Tadaaah! You now have authentic Italian Puttanesca!
Prepare the drinks… diet Coke for yourself (because you’re a health buff) and regular Coke for hubby (because he’s smart and true to himself).
Enjoy! Demand hubby to congratulate you for being a wonderful and loving housewife.
After this sumptuous meal, you can reward yourself for being such a health buff with healthy servings of Hershey’s Chocolate with cookie bits. If you’re lucky, it would be a Wednesday and there would be Amazing Race.
The above recipe is the first (and only) in the author’s up and coming cookbook (probably will come out in 2014) entitled “How to Cook Without a Kitchen.â€
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Hahahaha….ang hirap namang i-memorize niyan. Kelangan bang nanonood din ng teleserye habang ginagawa ito??? Seriously, nakakatuwa itong kwento mo. Next time try mo naman ibang pasta sauce.
wahaha ang saya ng recipe ah! how about adding more para mapapublish mo nga yung book?
ako naman i actually cook while listening to songs and using the songs as a timer. for example, igisa ang onions at garlic sa first stanza, then add the ground beef sa chorus. palipasin ang 5 kanta (approx. 4 minutes each, making 16-20 minutes of music), then add the tomato sauce, so on and so forth. no joke
Hahaha this is so funny, Toe. I like how you guard your hubby’s legs for the lamoks.
Good thing D knows how to cook, I won’t starve! Now you know why I love the guy, I’m guaranteed three full meals every day. Yay!
But thanks for sharing this recipe and good luck on your compilation of recipes for your upcoming cookbook, I will be in line to purchase it in 2014. hehe
This reminds me… I should look for a woman who knows how to cook so I won’t suffer the same fate as your honey. Wahahaha.
Ladybug, hindi naman kelangan teleserye. Pwede ring Desperate Housewives or Star Talk.
Carlotta, hahaha! Ang ganda ng kanta mo.
Baka pwede ka rin mag-contribute sa libro. Ah, spaghetti yan no. 
Daphne, naku pakasalan mo ka na kaagad!
Hey, how are you? 
Snglguy, you really have to find a woman who can cook or else you’d be surviving on canned foods everyday… that’s what would happen to me if I didn’t marry Honey.
hahahahaha…sira! aray ko, grabe ka talaga. But you are one lucky woman. You married someone who knows how to cook. Sandali titigil muna ako sa kakatawa! Gusto ko yung title ng book mo, mabenta yan.
Ipanema… really, part of the instructions should be… marry a man who can cook.
Glad you liked it Ipanema! 
I guess the advice to men is: marry a woman who can cook!
funny,toe,very funny.
no cooking for me
i want my kithen spotless
pero parang masarap sya
Sayang wala akong microwave, this would have been really a flavorful meal. Good recipe here especially when one get to pray over the food while being cooked…
aba naman…hindi ako mahilig sa pasta pero sa galing mong mag-prepare at gumawa ng ‘momentum’ parang gusto ko na rin n’yan. naaaliw ako.
very funny post Toe
I haven’t tried boiling pasta in the microwave; tried frying bacon though…’twas good, you’ll never know the difference
I’ll be on the look out for your upcoming book, gonna be a bestseller!
Now that was easy – something I can do. I normally buy the box and heat it up hehe
Microwave ovens are just thigs we can’t live without these days !
Sidney, that’s also my advice to women.
rsq, hehe… my Honey doesn’t think it’s funny while “I” was cooking.
Bryan, yes, it was quite good, surprisingly.
Major Tom, it’s better to cook the old-fashioned way. But at that time, we didn’t have a kitchen so we didn’t have much choice but to cook with the microwave.
Rayts, hindi din ako mahilig sa pasta dati until I read this book about Tuscany and now, I love Italian food.
Pining, frying bacon in the microwave? Really? How did you do it. I’m so curious about that.
BW, now buying the box is even easier.
Yes Toe I will … ah probably next year
I’m doing great thanks for asking!
To avoid the lamok problem in the future, just tell your hubby to wear long pants. hehehe
Lakers and Bulls in ‘84? ha? Di ko gets. That also means I don’t know when spaghetti is ready.
Toe you can be a great scout master!!! I’m sure with you there’s never a boring meal out in the camp!
So that is the reason why the title is how to cook if you do not know how to cook.
It is like delegation, you, the executive chef and the hubby, the cook.
This technique could be applied to other activities. ha ha ha
Wow. That is the most challenging Puttanesca recipe I have ever read! Whatta feat! Kudos to your husband, ay mali, kudos to you for conquering such a challenge!
Daphne, yeheeeeeeey!
That is sooo exciting! 
Wil, I stand corrected… may pagka-dyslexic kc ako e.
It’s too hot here to wear long pants inside the house. 
Rey, I’m sure I’d make a great scoutmaster… I’ll be throwing orders all around.
Myepinoy, hi!
Oh yes… I’d make a great leader… marunong mag-utos, este mag-delegate. 
Gypsy, kakayanin mo din yan… baka madaming magaling magluto na lalake sa uk.
hehehe..mukhang mahirap yata sundin itong recipe mo, I think I’ll just wait for your book
ay ambot antonina!!!! hehehe
but that was really funny my friend and the output looks yummy
wow i’m a big microwave fan, i’m so dependent on it for heating up whatever (bread, beverage, rice, etc.) but i haven’t been successful with cooking on it though, i used to steam fish with microwave pero the result was a bit weird. then i tried baking bread on it, and got a super rock-hard piece of dough! at least, you were successful with your puttanesca.
hahah! nakakatuwa naman yung recipe mo! pero medyo yatang mahirap and requires two people! hahhah…
this is really funny!
i have yet to try cooking pasta in the microwave. i usually boil it on the stove because it’s just as quick.
“First, prepare all the ingredients. Then, pray over them.” – First line pa lang I knew I’m in for a extraordinary cooking experience. hehehe
Na aliw ako more on your preparation ah. Ma-abangan nga yang book na yan sa 2014.
Wow, thanks a lot, Toe! I just love putanesca and I must have it at least once a week. Now… I have to buy a microwave oven.
ha ha kakaiba talaga ang pangalan niya no -puttanesca- the first time i heard it i was really intrigued. with all the ceremonies, the outcome must have been good!
or did you bribe hubby to try and eat? ha ha
Momoftwo, if the book ever comes out, I doubt if anyone would learn how to cook from it.
Verns, it could also be called… how to cook without actually cooking.
Carey, at that time we didn’t have a choice because we didn’t have a stove. Yes, I don’t think baking bread in a microwave oven is a good idea. Any kind of pasta is possible though.
Kat, hehe… thanks!
Oh no… don’t cook with the microwave… still better to use the stove. We only did it at that time because the microwave was all we had in our tiny apartment then. 
Ferdz, oh I need you to take photos of the food for the book.
Bugsybee, oh no… don’t use this recipe… it’s just purely kalokohan!
Bingskee, puttanesca was really named after a Spanish (or is it Italian) whore.
Oh, it was quite good… after all, Honey was actually the one who made it… I just gave instructions. 
Hahaha … can you distill the recipe to its essential as I don’t have a cooking hubby to harass and make utos-utos (i belong to an old school) and I don’t listen to teleserye.
Trouble is with my constraints the fettucinni might not turn out as yum yum as you had perpared it (did hubby compliment you for driving away the peskies?) in your dreams i mean … whatever hahaha.
Adobo na lang lutuin ko.
I don’t know how to cook and my microwave is dead ! But since everyday is a learning process when it comes to cooking I am taking an effort to cook and experiment ! Hehehe ewan ko lang kung masarap yung na imbento ko hahahaha! I will try this Italian Puttanesca, looks real good !!!!
Annamanila… oh no… a cooking hubby is essential to this recipe.
Patikim ng adobo ha. 
Haze, try this recipe only if your hubby is willing to do most of the cooking.
Definitely, cooking the old-fashioned way is better than microwaving. 
at least, we have dogs. my husband’s favorite byline? “oh, my wife cooks well, so well that the dogs are very fat!”. another one “my wife cooks well, with a recipe book, delata and an abrilata on the other hand”…so, buttomline is–no encourgement enough to make me learn to cook. seriously though, after 2y years married, 7 children and 3 grandkids–i still do not cook.
SexyMom, pareho kayo ng Mommy ko… she doesn’t cook at all either.