Jul 25 2007

Solitude

Published by Toe at 2:43 pm under Married Life, Personal, Weight Loss, Writing

It was a dark miserable Sunday in June and Honey and I had to drag ourselves out of bed. This is it. He’s leaving me. Alone. In Cambodia. By myself. With my lonesome. My redundant repetitive self all alone by myself alone in Cambodia. Did I mention that he was leaving me for two whole months alone by myself in Cambodia?

I brought him to the airport and we said goodbye (the mushy details of which I refuse to divulge on the Internet).

Then, I went back home. I dutifully locked the door as Honey instructed me to do. Then, I looked around. Then, it hit me. I was alone. I had no one to talk to. No one to eat my meals with. No one to fight over the TV and the computer. No one else to hog the bathroom but me. No one to change the heavy water bottle. No one to cook greasy cholesterol-laden but utterly delicious chorizo omelettes. And a torrent of tears followed. And followed. And followed. How many cubic meters of tears could one cry out in several hours?

Then, I decided to push the borders of loneliness to the utmost limit. If I’m going to be alone, I’m going to be alone properly. Solitude! That is my battlecry.

The first thing I did was to remove all my blogging toolbars from my browser. I thought that blogging was too much of a social activity. Then, I went to my desk and started journalling. And journalling. And journalling. Let loose the floodgates of emotions. It felt damned good!

The next day, I started a beginner’s running program after work. Again, it felt damned good! Running produced all those endorphins that made me forget about my depression and made me too tired to be afraid of ghosts at night.

Running and writing. Oh, running and writing are wonderfully…. well, anti-social. But they make me feel alive, flush my cheeks, stimulate my blood, break my heart open, and fire up my spirit. In both activities, I have to expend pure raw energy which only comes from myself. No equipment like rackets and nets. Just me and the hard long road in running. No references necessary. It’s just me and my swirl of imagination and memories for journalling (who’s to say that my memory is wrong?).

I run almost everyday after work now. I also write everyday and do writing marathons during weekends (I wish I could do a running marathon… but dream on).

So that’s it. My month of solitude… like an improvised retreat (since I was working). It was wonderful. One more month to go before Honey comes back. But I’m ready now. I’m back blogging and I’ve been lunching out with friends (I still prefer to be alone at night) and I’ve turned on my YM again, and I’m chattier than ever.

“Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known… then went crazy as a loon.”

~Matt Groening, The Simpsons, spoken by the character Lisa Simpson

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31 responses so far

31 Responses to “Solitude”

  1. # Ceson 25 Jul 2007 at 3:32 pm

    “I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.” – from The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

    Thanks for inspiring me to write again. :-)

    By the way, I have been reading through your old posts and just discovered that you are also a big fan on Natalie Goldberg! She has been an inspiration and guide (through her books, that I keep reading over and over) …
    “Writing Down the Bones”, “Wild Mind” and “A Long Quiet Highway.”

    It was great to have spent time with you catching up over lunch and making music before I left PP.

    Enjoy the next month of solitude and creation!

  2. # Ferdzon 25 Jul 2007 at 4:35 pm

    Kaya pala medyo nawala ka ng matagal. I’ve always liked running din, gives me a great feeling after. I agree, sometimes we have to be isolated and give us a new perspective on things. But I’m glad you’re back writing again. Na miss ko mga post mo. Haha

  3. # ladybugon 25 Jul 2007 at 6:03 pm

    Hi Toe! Long time no hear na. Ako rin medyo nawala ng matagal eh. Kawawa ka naman, mag-isa ka lang pala ngayon. Don’t worry, before you know it, nakabalik na ulit honey mo diyan. I’m glad to see you’re feeling better nowadays. Ang galing mo naman….running. Hindi ko kasi kaya yun eh…too strenuous for me…delikado. Anyway, good luck and balitaan mo naman kami ulit. :-D

  4. # snglguyon 25 Jul 2007 at 6:40 pm

    Hmmm… running and writing in solitude. Parang Zen, hehe. :-D

    Hey now you gave me an idea on what to post! Thanks! :-D

  5. # Wilon 25 Jul 2007 at 6:50 pm

    Your first paragraph is classic! It’s hilarious. If this diplomat gig doesn’t work out, you should definitely write a newspaper column like Dave Barry ….. seriously! :D

  6. # Linguist-in-Waitingon 25 Jul 2007 at 9:52 pm

    I know that I haven’t had the experience of living with someone special, so my POV may be biased, but I do have to say that there are rewarding experiences that being solo also provides. You get to discover more about yourself, among other things. You get to appreciate the things you take for granted, like the help of others that are suddenly out-of-reach when you are alone. And you get to be forced to interact with other people and widen your horizons, when the usual company is not around.

  7. # carlottaon 26 Jul 2007 at 5:58 am

    minsan nga, masaya ang solitude. marami kang maiisip gawin o di kaya magmuni-muni. i for one enjoy it, but not to the point na maloka din ako! hehehe.

  8. # piningon 26 Jul 2007 at 6:32 am

    don’t know what to say really except you take care of yourself :-)
    enjoy your runs (I wish I could do it myself, so a big hurrah 4u)
    and keep your creative juices flowing :-)

  9. # Daphneon 26 Jul 2007 at 10:55 am

    That’s a funny quote from the Simpsons! I’m not really a fan of the show though. Writing in your journal and running, wow that’s admirable. Way to go Toe :)

  10. # vernson 26 Jul 2007 at 11:05 am

    I lived alone in a small room with my TV and component for company for almost a year. Before that I was always with my cousin Mariya…roommates since college until we decided to separate. Sure I miss her but the “break” has its benefits. I think when we separated it was the time I really experienced independence.

    For sure being alone has its benefits. You know what they say, you also have to experience it because we don’t know what tomorrow brings…

    YOUR GREAT GREAT GODMOTHER *snicker*

  11. # raytson 26 Jul 2007 at 11:34 am

    ahh.. i haven’t been running for the last couple of weeks. nakakatamad minsan, hehe. but UP campus is some blocks away. your post did inspire me to run again. how’s that for a boost? i love that Simposon quote. it made my day! hahaha.

    me and my colleagues had this book project, a collection of inspirational essay, inspirational is totally not my thing but i authored 4 essays in the book (1 with my real name on it and the others, my pseudos). i hope i could send you a copy. my little effort of cheering you up, while your Honey is away. do email me if you like the idea. ;-)

    p.s. by the way, i tagged you. a crappy thing to do but part of the rule was to inform the person being tagged that she was tagged. so there. another reason to wind away your time.

    cheers!

  12. # Major Tomon 26 Jul 2007 at 1:29 pm

    Like my recent inclination towards solitude–somehow they come to us in most unexpected times and manner. In your case, it was your husband being away for a lengthy time.

    In my case, it was one afternoon of driving along streets full of traffic and smogs and the clacketty noises all around—jeeps scrummaging, buses honking, cars careening…such and such things.

    Anyway, I hope your ‘retreat’ has cured every bit of loneliness that you have been feeling at those times.

  13. # Zherwinon 26 Jul 2007 at 1:49 pm

    yay! you’re back! you’re back!

    buti ka pa, you can do jogging, i also wanted to do that but i am toooo tired after office, not with office works but with the traffic (EDSA to coastal road is just too much).

    *showing na pala ang Simpsons’ movie, kasabay ng Ratatouille at Ouija nina Jolina at Juday (ay horror movie pala ang Ouija, ayaw mo nun, about spirits) :D

  14. # Gypsyon 26 Jul 2007 at 3:51 pm

    You go, girl!! Your honey will come back to an even sexier you-what with all that running! ;)

  15. # chaseon 26 Jul 2007 at 11:35 pm

    Well that is what I usually do when I am feeling down and alone.

  16. # rdlon 27 Jul 2007 at 9:31 am

    love the quote and the post.

  17. # Belleon 27 Jul 2007 at 10:03 am

    honestly, i don’t mind being alone for a month of so to enjoy life to its fullest. i’d like to go running, too, everyday and not to worry about fixing dinner. i’d like to be able to just sit and relax after work and eat leftover…for week at a time.

  18. # Toeon 27 Jul 2007 at 1:35 pm

    CESSSSSS!, I’m glad you’re writing again! Oh, we had such a blast during your last days here. Last day na yata ng band tonight or something. I’m not going alone though. Yes, I love Natalie… though I only have “Writing Down the Bones.” I also love Brenda Euland. Are you in China na? Hope that you’d really get into blogging now. :)

    Thanks Ferdz. :) Oo nga, I know you like running. I’m not good though. I’m very slow but I don’t care… it feels really good and gives me a high. :)

    Hi Ladybug! Oh, I’m not a good runner at all… but no one cares and I don’t care either. :) Oo nga… am counting the days when Honey will be back. :)

  19. # Toeon 27 Jul 2007 at 1:41 pm

    Snglguy, zen or more like so that I’d be so tired when I get home that I have no time to be afraid of ghosts… hahaha! I wonder what topic you’ve thought about because of this. :)

    Hahaha Wil, you make my day!!! :) Kung pwede lang nga, I want to be like Erma Bombeck and just write humorous essays about being a housewife… except that I’m not a housewife. ;)

    LIW, you are absolutely right. I am learning a lot of things… at work, at home… so it has actually been good for me. Now I know that I could be independent. And you’re right, the inter-actions with other people are also different when I’m alone.

  20. # Toeon 27 Jul 2007 at 1:44 pm

    Carlotta, maloloka na nga rin ako that’s why I have to go back to blogging na. :)

    Thanks Pining. I love running… most of my writings though are private… unpublishable… haha! :)

    Daphne, even if you don’t like Simpsons, watching the movie is a great excuse for a date with your honey. ;) I like Lisa Simpson a lot. :)

  21. # Toeon 27 Jul 2007 at 1:50 pm

    Verns, my great great ninang *snicker*, enjoy nga your “single blessedness.” When you get married, you’d never go back to that state where you have all the privacy in the world. :)

    Rayts, galing! You’re actually published! I’m very impressed. I do hope I could get a copy of that book. :) Oh, you might run into (literally) my brother. He runs in UP regularly. :)

    Major Tom, funny how solitude creeps up on us… even in the midst of the chaotic traffic and noise. :) I am getting high with my retreat. :)

  22. # Toeon 27 Jul 2007 at 1:54 pm

    Zherwin, oh yes… traffic in Manila sure is an exercise program buster. I can just imagine going to the coastal road. I know… I’m missing the Simpsons like I miss so many movies. Naku, maybe I’ll get the DVD of Ouija. :) If Honey is here, I won’t be scared na. ;)

    Gypsy, you’re the only one who got the idea! ;) Yeah, I’m hoping that we could go on a honeymoon when he gets back and I’d be so sexy. :)

    Chase, yes, loneliness does have its uses if it allows us to think clearly.

  23. # Toeon 27 Jul 2007 at 1:56 pm

    Thanks rdl! :)

    Belle, yup! My chores have definitely lessened. And a month of solitude really rejuvenates the ol’ batteries.

  24. # Lazaruson 27 Jul 2007 at 2:02 pm

    I just can imagine my wife missing me everytime I travel.

    She kept asking me, ‘Do you miss me?”.

  25. # hazeon 27 Jul 2007 at 3:21 pm

    I know exactly what you meant ! When my husband was still working in the Sales Dept. he was always out of town and the worst out of the county! Me, alone (we didn’t have kids yet at that time) left in a foreign land and non-english speaking country (that was before), no TV just a karaoke ! One morning, I woke up and said to myself, I need to go out if not I will be bored talking to a 4 walled apartment ! I decided to call Pinoy friends if we could meet up halfway, so then I went out and since I am a stranger I lost my way :( ! I asked people if they speak english and where to find the Place Castellane they turned their head left & right as a NO sign ! I continued walking until I reached the place where I shouldn’t be…district wherein a little bit dangerous for a woman alone…anyway, my friend was able to pick me up from where I was! Huhhh buti na lang !

  26. # Toeon 27 Jul 2007 at 4:42 pm

    Lazarus, yes I think that it is really more difficult to be left behind than to go. Of course you ought to know the right answer to her question, diba? ;)

    Haze, oh my goodness! Nakakatakot! It’s really hard when you don’t know the language… but you don’t have that problem now anymore, right? ;) Oh my goodness… alone with no TV and no Internet… really difficult Haze!

  27. # annamanilaon 27 Jul 2007 at 6:24 pm

    Toe, kaibaa ka pala. If I were alone I would have turned more to my blogging and online activities. You chose to burrow deeper into your aloneness. Did you find it bitter sweet? Were you taxing your stoicism? Did you have a mystical experience? :)

    Bravo that you can do that. I haven’t tested myself that way.

    Is that a measure of your love? your missing him?

  28. # ZJon 30 Jul 2007 at 9:22 am

    Suosdei, Toe!
    Wow, the wonders of being alone.
    I wish I have enough “will” to do what you’re doing -running, writing – with or without R. The only exercise I have now, apart from the short bicycle ride from my apartment to my office, is changing TV channels manually (nawawala kasi ang remote control namin e). Surely, you’ll be sexier when your Honey comes back.

    Ngapala, if you are up to it, there this Lebanese restaurant somewhere in Bangkengkang… hehehe… I am keen on going :D

  29. # Toeon 30 Jul 2007 at 2:06 pm

    Annamanila, thank God I didn’t have a mystical experience… that translates to spirit possession to me and I’d be scared to death… hehehe! :) Could it be love or I’m just deprived of eating delicious food? ;)

    ZJ, oh yesterday… nag-marathon din ako… marathon-tulog… hehehe! :) I don’t know about being sexier when he arrives. :) Hey, did you get my e-mail? :)

  30. # SexyMomon 31 Jul 2007 at 12:44 am

    you’re halfway, just one more month to go. i guess it will be sweeter this time. you have taken the positive step in running and journalizing, rather than sulking. by now, you must have been used to life being alone that you are no longer scared with the ghosts of phnom penh, just shut them out of your mind. and thank God for the internet, Honey is just a skype or a ym away.

  31. # Toeon 01 Aug 2007 at 10:45 pm

    SexyMom, oooh… don’t remind me of ghosts… I had to seal a casket for shipment of mortal remains just now. :) It’s okay… I’m used to it. :) Yes, it’s easier now with the new technology for loved ones who are far away. :)

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